Dad's Love

I remember my dad and I setting out trotlines when I was a kid. For those of you uneducated types, a trotline is a line of hooks that you set in the river to catch not just one, but many, many fish. They usually have 20-30 hooks, so your chances are much better. In my younger days, the Paluxy River in Bluff Dale, TX ran a little stronger than it does today, and we were often able to catch catfish by the dozen on a trot line.

To have the best results on a trotline, you have to bait the hooks late in the evening, and come back early in the morning to retrieve the fish. (Actually, according to my dad, the BEST way is to go back at midnight, remove the fish, and rebait, but that takes a unique motivation.) Also, the best time to catch the most fish is early spring, when the water hasn't quite warmed up yet.

So in my 9 years of life, there were a few things I knew about the river. 1. It was cold. 2. There were water moccasins (and many other types of snakes and animals). My dad had actually told me a story about when he was baiting a trotline one night (that same year), a water moccasin swam up to him because it smelled the baitfish. Dad, guided by his headlight, hit the snake on the head with the bucket of minnows, and it fearfully swam away. "Don't worry Jobe, they're more scared of you than you are of them." Uhhhhh Huh.

So off we went at about 9:00 to bait the trotline. I couldn't wait to be in that dark, cold, venemous snake filled water. I remember trying to think of a reason why I couldn't go, but not wanting to disappoint Dad, I decided to brave it. The water was frigid (it actually does get cold in Texas), but once I got in past a certain point, I got used to it. So my job was to hold the minnow bucket (pronounced minna buckit), while Dad baited the hooks. At one point the water was up over my head, so I was treading water in my tennis shoes, with the minna buckit in one hand, the other hand on the trot line, and a bug-swarmed flashlight in my mouth. That's when I heard it. "Kerplop...." Something dropped in the water about 20 feet in front of us. It was pitch black, so we didn't actually see what it was. Could have been a frog, turtle, muskrat, etc. But in my mind there was no doubt that it was that water moccasin that Dad had ticked off earlier, headed straight for my minna buckit. Scared, cold, and shaking from both, I wanted out of that water so badly, I could see Snoopy on my blanket in my dry, warm, non water moccasin bed.

But of course, we pressed on. You really can't stop two hooks into a 20 hook trotline. I made it out somehow unattacked, and the next morning we woke up to check the line. I remember being so excited as we drove down to the river. The anticipation as we picked up that line to find it full of fish was pure childhood joy.

I thought of this story the other day when I was interacting with my oldest son Jackson. Even though he's only two, I am starting to see things through my father's eyes from years ago. This also has really pointed me to God, and His fathering of those who are called by His name. You see my Dad knew how scared I was. He knew how cold I was, he probably knew I was miserable, and was in the last place I ever wanted to be. But he also knew that if I would just hang on, just a little longer, that it would be worth it, and that I would experience so much joy in the end. He did this not only for my joy, but for his as well, because it brought him joy to see me so excited about the fish. But he knew that I couldn't have that joy, unless I braved the moccasins.

Seems like a simple concept, but isn't this just how God is? He has us in situations in which we desperately want to quit, but we desperately need to press on. We have to keep treading water, or we will never experience the joy that He's waiting to see on our faces, and that he so deeply wants to celebrate with us. We also have to parent this way. We cannot run around rigging our kids lives so that they never experience pain, or fear, or shame, or consequences. Of course, we have to be there with them to guide, and love, and explain, and love some more. But we absolutely have to have an approach to parenting that looks at the whole picture. It has to be one that trusts our Father, gives enough guidance and structure, but allows enough suffering to grow God seeking, truly joy-filled children. May this perspective be true of us as parents, and may our children, when they are grown, thank us for what we allowed them to endure for their (and even our) greater good.

As I approached the mini-van in the garage, I noticed that Ryene (our 6 year-old daughter) and Hudson (our 4 year-old cowboy) were sitting quietly and waiting for their dad to go run some errands. I was encouraged. They were happy, singing songs and laughing and they had obeyed their dad quickly and completely.

Now, a father's relationship with his daughter has all the elements of the great love stories: a strong protective hero and his beautiful princess; strength and beauty. Something internal urged me to take this moment to remind her of my undying love. So I quoted the famous balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet.

"But soft, what light through yonder mini-van door breaks? Tis the east and Ryene is the sun!" A broad smile overtook her whole face and she nearly cooed in delight.

"Da-addy!" she giggled. We laughed together, I gave her a kiss and closed the door.

A father's relationship with is son is something different. As I walked to the other side of the van to buckle Hudson's seatbelt and close his door, I found a boy shaking in tears. There are times when you know that your child's tears are welling up from the soul - this was one of them. It took a few minutes to settle the boy down and, when I did, he revealed the source of his pain.

"You said sissy was da son!" he cried. Hudson heard that his sister was the s-o-n not the s-u-n. The same words that exposed, the greatest joy of my daughter's heart had exposed the deepest need in my son's heart. After some explanation about Shakespeare and homonyms, I gave Hudson the words that every son seeks:

"Hudson, look at me. You are my son and I am well-pleased with you."

Maybe through the tears welling in my eyes, maybe through the earnestness of my voice, most likely by the grace of God he read my sincerity and received my words. The pain and angst this misunderstanding had created disappeared. A smile rose on his face like the sun. Redemption.

May God grant me the grace to tune in to the rumblings of their hearts. There are deep things going on and, if I am self adsorbed and inattentive, I will leave them with a lifelong ache and a misunderstaning of their real Father.

Recently, I received this email - a great, honest pursuit of God's heart regarding discipline. My prayer is that this response will provide biblical clarity and insight into our hope in a fierce and, yet, tender God.

Mitch,
In Discipleship group... we decided to do a series about parenting ... the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart" was chosen as a guide. I just got a copy of the book from [our leader] and started browsing through it (He gave a "disclaimer" about the book saying it had mixed reviews and that he's not saying this is how we have to do things). Some of the discussion seemed to be right on, talking about how our goal should not just be to change behavior but to seek to look deeper to the child's heart for why they are behaving a certain way to be able to make true changes. I can understand this and the idea of shepherding--the staff would be the guiding, leading, instructing of a child. What I really am having difficulty with is the author's very strong insistence in regard to use of "the rod." I would interpret the shepherd's rod as the use of discipline and correction in raising a child. His interpretation is that this is God's COMMAND for us to spank our children when they are disobedient against God's laws. He does carefully clarify that this is not to be confused with any form of abusive behavior and must always be done in a calm way, explaining why they are being spanked, etc. I personally do not believe in spanking my kids, and definitely would not introduce it with a 10 and and almost 7 year old. Does [our parenting] class strongly advocate spanking or does it give other practical options for helping children understand there are consequences for their poor decisions. I appreciate a Biblical view for raising children, but I sure can't picture Jesus spanking anyone.

This is a great question and it goes way beyond the practice of spanking and well into theology. By definition, theology is our study or knowledge of God and it seems to me, based on that definition, that our theology may be the most critical thing about us.

Who is God?
With what is He most concerned?
What does He require of us?
How are his affections towards us?

Once we answer those questions, we can address the “how-to’s” in Scripture. You properly end your musing on spanking with “...I sure can’t picture Jesus spanking anyone” because it is a statement of theology. So let’s start there and work our way to the surface where the applications live.

One of the central contemplations of my life for the last several years has been the dynamics of my relationship with God. When I fail and sin will I be punished? When I am struggling, should I be trying to find the sin that caused my struggle? Isn’t the gospel message that God forgives my sin? Are there consequences to my actions or is everything random?

Now I want you to note something right away. Look at the questions I have been asking and consider this; who is the main character in my questions? Answer: me. My spiritual contemplations are about me. My sin, my punishment, my consequences and my forgiveness. My theology has been mostly about what God can do for me. But that has been changing as I read the Scriptures with new eyes. The gospel is about God – not me. My gospel has been a “Mitch-centered” gospel and that has allowed a subtle selfishness to prevail and has left me confused about my circumstances.

Certainly “For God so loved the world...” is true, but is that central issue of the gospel? We need to look at the rest of the book of John to examine this God and His motives. John is loaded with theology and answers to the question “With what is God most concerned?”
Consider the following statements:

1. The conclusion of Jesus miracle at the wedding in Cana:
John 2:11 This, the first of his signs, Jesus did at Cana in Galilee, and manifested his glory. And his disciples believed in him.
This first miracle was about manifesting His glory.

2. John the Baptist said this when his own disciples became concerned about Jesus’ competing ministry:
John 3:30 He must increase, but I must decrease.
By Jesus’ own admission, among those born of women there had arisen no man greater than John (Matt. 11:11) and John’s climatic statement about his own ministry was that Christ must increase. It is about Jesus not John.

3. In His dialogue with the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4, Jesus reveals what the Father is seeking:
John 4:23 But the hour is coming, and is now here, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him.
The Father is not looking first to bless us, He is seeking worshippers.

4. In John 6, Jesus is followed by the crowd who ate the multiplied fish and loaves and He proclaims how the Giver is much more than the gift.
John 6:26-35 Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of the loaves. Do not labor for the food that perishes, but for the food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you. For on him God the Father has set his seal.” Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?” Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.” So they said to him, “Then what sign do you do, that we may see and believe you? What work do you perform? Our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written, ‘He gave them bread from heaven to eat.’ ” Jesus then said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, it was not Moses who gave you the bread from heaven, but my Father gives you the true bread from heaven. For the bread of God is he who comes down from heaven and gives life to the world.” They said to him, “Sir, give us this bread always.”
Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst.
This is critical. Jesus plainly states here that our hunger will never be satisfied in anything else but Himself. We will address the implications of that later, for now it is another building block in our theology. (A similar inference can be drawn from His statement on the last day of the feast in John 7:37-38)

5. In John 9, we encounter the familiar story of the blind man. The disciples were asking theological questions about his aliment but those questions were ultimately man-centered and Jesus corrects them.
John 9:1-3 As he passed by, he saw a man blind from birth. And his disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.
This man’s blindness was not about sin, it was there to reveal the work of God. Very God-centered -so much so that one might wonder about God’s tenderness towards people if he allowed that much suffering in this man’s life so that He might reveal Himself. Now before that creates confusion, let’s just stand on that point. Our struggles are not necessarily first about us.

6. John Chapter 11 is one of my favorite passages in the bible. Here we see Christ’s tenderness clearly. Lazarus dies and his sisters Mary and Martha feel intense grief. Despite His understanding of the future and His control of all things, Christ enters their grief and weeps with empathy. What a God!!!! Honestly I would have been so impatient, so ready to stop the crying. I would be busy explaining how this was all going to work out without a shred of tenderness. But there is something very troubling about this story.
John 11:39-42 Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days.” Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.”

So Lazarus suffers and dies and his sisters go through 4 days of grief so that we might all see the glory of God? Add to this the notion that Jesus could have done something to prevent Lazarus’ death.

John 11:1-6 Now a certain man was ill, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. It was Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was ill. So the sisters sent to him, saying, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” But when Jesus heard it he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”
Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was.

Now would not Jesus have been glorified by healing Lazarus before he died? Surely. But God is a fanatic for His own glory so Lazarus’ life was used for that purpose to the fullest, by raising him from the dead. This following God stuff really isn’t about us, at least to God it isn’t.
Well not totally. Remember that Jesus loved Martha, Mary and Lazarus SO He delayed His coming to them. This is counterintuitive. If He loved them wouldn’t He run to save them from this grief...quickly? Another piece of the theological puzzle.

7. Finally (and we are just scratching the surface in the book of John), look at Jesus’ prayer for the disciples and all believers in John 17. This is an important prayer on the night before he was crucified. How does He start this prayer?
John 17:1-5 When Jesus had spoken these words, he lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, “Father, the hour has come; glorify your Son that the Son may glorify you, since you have given him authority over all flesh, to give eternal life to all whom you have given him. And this is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence with the glory that I had with you before the world existed.

This is an interesting way to start a prayer for others. That the Son might be glorified and give the Father glory. There’s more:

John 17:24 Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world.

I think there is enough evidence here to begin a theology. By examining Christ’s own words concerning what God desires, we discover something profound. God is more concerned with His glory than He is with our immediate comfort. But that does not mean He is not concerned about us! Because He seeks His own glory AND He loves us, He created us to find our joy only in Him and His glory (John 6, John 17). So He will bring amazingly difficult circumstances (baggage from sin, blindness, death and grief) into our lives so that He might strip us of our immediate comforts and securities and give us eternal satisfaction in Himself. In this process, God is glorified and we find our true happiness. He gets what He wants (His glory) and we get what we want (satisfaction).

Now consider that in light of the following passage:
Heb. 12:1-11 Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
3 Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. 4 In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. 5 And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?
“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord,
nor be weary when reproved by him.
6 For the Lord disciplines the one he loves,
and chastises every son whom he receives.”
7 It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 8 If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. 9 Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? 10 For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. 11 For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

God is seeking His glory first and He is doing it by creating people who no longer cling to the things of this world but cling wholly to Him for satisfaction (Isaiah 28:6). God uses discipline to change self-aholics into worshippers and it is not a pleasant process. Our hope lies in believing that blindness, sickness, lameness, death, grief and suffering are tender discipline. To do anything less would be to hate us, because allowing our idolatry would be allowing us to run headlong into despair and dissatisfaction.

One of the amazing things about the Gulf Coast post-Katrina is how open people are to God. This is counterintuitive. These people have lost every comfort and every security and the result is an honest consideration of the big questions in life. Why am I here? Who is God? Where is my hope? In a place that would have been extremely difficult to address spiritually one year ago, God brought the greatest natural disaster in recent American history. Today, because of the circumstances and the miraculous involvement of the church (the only productive entity in the region), many are soft to Him. Now we shouldn’t presume too much of God, but isn’t it remarkable how hardship can often be used for our good?

It is reminiscent of the book of Hosea where God sees to the destruction of Ephraim and Judah so that they might stop relying on things that can’t save them and find refreshing in Him:

Hosea 5:13-6:3 When Ephraim saw his sickness,
and Judah his wound,
then Ephraim went to Assyria,
and sent to the great king.*
But he is not able to cure you
or heal your wound.
14 For I will be like a lion to Ephraim,
and like a young lion to the house of Judah.
I, even I, will tear and go away;
I will carry off, and no one shall rescue.
15 I will return again to my place,
until they acknowledge their guilt and seek my face,
and in their distress earnestly seek me.
6:1 “Come, let us return to the LORD;
for he has torn us, that he may heal us;
he has struck us down, and he will bind us up.
2 After two days he will revive us;
on the third day he will raise us up,
that we may live before him.
3 Let us know; let us press on to know the LORD;
his going out is sure as the dawn;
he will come to us as the showers,
as the spring rains that water the earth.”

These are the words of God and, consequently Christ, who is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). When I look at these passages I can imagine a Jesus who would spank (actually that is pretty tame in light of death, hurricanes and tearing) but, and this is important, it is for our good. His intentions are tender when He disciplines:

Romans 8:28-32 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

Now with that theology in mind the Proverbial wisdom on spanking makes much more sense.

Proverbs 13:24 Whoever spares the rod hates his son,
but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

Proverbs 19:18 Discipline your son, for there is hope;
do not set your heart on putting him to death.

Proverbs 22:15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13-14 Do not with hold discipline from a child;
if you strike him with a rod, he will not die.
If you strike him with the rod,
you will save his soul from Sheol.

Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom,
but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

You see our kids disobedience is really not a matter between them and us, it is between them and God. Their flesh is moving them directly into death and disconnection from God (their only hope for joy).

Proverbs 14:12 There is a way that seems right to a man,
but its end is the way to death.

Proverbs 19:3 When a man’s folly brings his way to ruin,
his heart rages against the LORD.

God takes that seriously and prescribes a method for changing their course. How can we love them if we don’t interrupt this foolishness and guide them to the glories of Christ? Wouldn’t we desire to use whatever means God has provided to do so?

Again consider:

Ephesians 6:1-4 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Our children’s disobedience sets them outside of the promise of this commandment. If I really love them and I really understand that God is best for them, then I will work to bring them back into that promise of blessing. I strongly believe that discipline (spanking) can be done wrong. It is wrong when it is done to make my life easier or to exercise my anger – that is absolutely wrong even if there is no physical harm. Kids can sense that anger, that pressure to conform to the will of the parent and it can be destructive, leading them to anger. That is why Paul specifies discipline and instruction of the Lord. When we don’t take personal offense at the disobedience, when we see this is between our children and God and when we share God’s desire to glorify Himself, we discipline and instruct in the Lord. This will include a heart that is warm and tender towards our children (in the midst of the spank) because that is God’s approach towards us. The result is peace, calm and the ability to love and reconnect after the pain of discipline. Kids are smart and they will sense that our discipline is for them not against them. In my experience, this has resulted in happiness not anger. A spank will correct their self-destructive self-centeredness and bring a peaceful fruit of righteousness – softness to parents and to God (again, their only hope for joy).

Ultimately this is what God is doing with our difficult circumstances – disciplining us for our good (removing idolatry), resulting in His glory. It is not pleasant at the time, but in every case where God has broken me and separated me from my silly idolatries, I have experience great joy in Him. The path to this joy runs through pain lovingly administered by a Sovereign God. May that be the model for the discipline of our children.

As I have braved the halls of high schools all over Texas with my job, I have made an observation that I wanted to share. I have no empirical evidence, or UCSD research team study, but we don't really need those things to make observations about life.

This one won't surprise any of you.

After I present my information, I pass out a survey card. This card has the students fill out their name and address, as well as their teacher's name and their parent(s) name(s). As I observe the class, there are all the same categories that existed when you were in school. The jocks, the popular girls, the ditzy blondes, the punks, thugs, and whatever you want to call them.

Anyway, my observation is this: Almost without exception, the girls that are dressed provocatively, i.e tight pants, low cut blouses, tatoos on their lower backs that they show to everyone, list only their mother's name on their survey card. Moreover, almost without exception, the last name of the mother differs from that of the student.

On the opposite side of the observation are the girls who seem confident, cover themselves at school, appear strong and full of life. WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT? These girls list both the father and the mother's name, and they all share the same last name!!!!!!! I know it sounds crazy, but families matter, and FATHERS matter in the lives of our children.

All Satisfying God, forgive us for making your good gifts a substitute for You. We are so prone to mistake the portrait for the person. Satisfy us with yourself...

John Piper, Pierced By The Word, page 20.

I hope and pray for our family as we celebrate Christmas that we would not mistake the gifts for the giver. I pray that our children and immediate family would see people whose lives have been distinctly marked by the birth of Christ, and a people whose highest joy is a closer walk with their God and Father, only made possible by the birth of this baby. Then I pray that our very next desire would be to love others by sharing this joy with them. This is our holiday afterall, and He is the point.

This is eternal life, that they know you the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent.

John 17:3

"You yourselves know that these hands ministered to my necessities and to those who were with me. In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” -Paul Acts 20:34-35 (ESV)

The net result of Christian conversion is the aquistion of a whole new economy. Giving makes you rich. Offering worship and offering love to our neighbor will in the end make us rich.

Certainly this new economy can only be preserved by the presence of God's Spirit, but our kids can experiencing the blessing of this new economy if only in just a temporary taste. This article is an example of kids who have tasted this new economy.

One of our jobs as parents is to introduce our kids to God's economy and to develop an appreciation for it. There are at least two benefits. The first is an appreciation for the life of God. It is a life of beauty and purpose that kids can appreciate. Second, over time, our children will develop a sense of futility in pursuing the life of God on their own. This life, clearly heralded, will shine light on the brokeness of their own souls. They will see their sin and it will beckon them to the Gospel.

Few things could be more significant than to steward the life of a child so that they really believe there is nothing better than following God and they need grace to do it.

All this presumes that we find supreme joy in worship and service. Remember it must first be real in our own lives - kids will not tolerate hypocrisy, even though adults often do.

At the time of this writing there are two major “insurgencies” at work in the world. The first is the months-long insurgency in Iraq against the development of a new Iraqi National Government and the second is the days-long insurgency by Muslims rioting against the government of France. The choice of words here is significant. “Insurgency” is synonymous with “rebellion” but “rebellion” sounds so, well, rebellious and... bad. An insurgent is noble, standing up to oppression; a rebel is a troublemaker with vile malice on his mind. An insurgent can somehow retain his nobility while sawing the head off an innocent hostage or destroying the property of an innocent neighbor.

The world has descended into a madness of “formulations” - words crafted to ride the fence, justifying inaction. Logic has no room in this new way of not thinking. Words are often spun with double-meaning that make no commitments to fact or opinion. The safest and most popular route is to say something that sounds substantive but requires no action.

We must be sensitive to the affect of this prevailing lunacy on our own thinking. We are being taught this non-thinking everyday and it is especially tempting to apply to our areas of weakness. I shouldn’t look at pornography, that is obvious, and, yet, I still do –all the while applying my double-minded formulations that allow me to maintain the right to do wrong. Here I am the worst of all abominations – a hypocrite. A thinking person must commit to an opinion, which commits us to some action. It is here that we wish to squirm away. If I don’t have an opinion (if I don’t actually think) then action is not required. It is a pitiful existence toward which we all gravitate. “Did God really say?”

This double-mindedness is especially prevalent in the world of parenting. As parents, at least two things increase the temptation to not think. First, children are our pride and joy and I don’t say that as a good thing. So much of our identity can be connected with our children. I would love to present my kids to the world as perfect because then, of course, I would be perfect by proxy. Second, parenting requires my whole heart. Faith, time, resources, love, discipline and more are required of parents. I’m not especially happy about that. The ideal situation would be to have perfect kids without the work. Would you like to hear some great (and deadly) news? I can achieve this logically inconsistent goal by simply turning off my brain. Let me show you how.

Let’s say I ask my youngest son, Mac, to come and touch my leg. Mac, who has obeyed this command hundreds of times, looks me in the eye and quietly meanders through the living room. He takes his time, stopping along the way to point out a toy or flower and, when he finally gets to me, he slaps my arm. Recall that what I want is a perfect score on my "personal-sense-of-identity" and that I believe that can actually come from the quality of my son in this moment. I am tired from the day and tired of repeating this command. What would be nice now would be a daddy-defining, well-behaved kid without the effort. It is time for the frontal lobotomy. I start by convincing myself that obedience is compliance and Mac really did comply and the rest, well, just takes care of itself...

“I mean he postponed his agenda for mine, right? It has been a long day and he is tired...besides, I have been riding him today and maybe he just needs more tenderness and love. Really he isn’t a rebel he’s more of an “insurgent.” I should cut him some slack he’s a good kid. Maybe he didn’t really hear me.”

Why is this non-thinking? Because I can say all of this in light of the fact that the boy didn’t obey me, that is clear. If this tendency goes unchecked, the result will be a nearly schizophrenic view of my life. I become an expert at creating an alternate, easier reality. In my life as a dad, I see this most readily in the areas of my children’s fear.

Fear has its place in human life. I fear standing in a busy street and I fear being punished for stealing. That healthy fear is not what I am referring to. Israel was afraid to enter the Promised Land. Peter was afraid to align himself with Christ and denied knowing Him. This unholy fear is a lack of faith and is, consequently, sin. There are times when I have asked my children to follow me into something that has aroused their fear. It is easy to look at scared little eyes and say, “Well they’re afraid, certainly they don’t need to obey me if they are afraid.” But that would deny the fact that the child has disobeyed me and, therefore, has disobeyed God (Eph 6:1, Col. 3:20). I am tempted with redefinition of obedience because, again, it allows me to avoid acting. Before I suspend my logical faculties, I should stop and address the situation for what it really is. The child does not trust me, they are questioning my authority and, if I allow it, I am training them to bring that tendency into their relationship with Christ. I am not furthering Christ’s instruction in their life:

Luke 12:3-7 "Therefore whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in private rooms shall be proclaimed on the housetops."
4 “I tell you, my friends, do not fear those who kill the body, and after that have nothing more that they can do. 5 But I will warn you whom to fear: fear him who, after he has killed, has authority to cast into hell.* Yes, I tell you, fear him! 6 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?* And not one of them is forgotten before God. 7 Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows."

Clearly, God calls us to recognize His supremacy over all things first and, in light of His supreme goodness, to not fear the things of this world. When I give allowances to my child’s fear of following me, I am giving them a predisposition to oppose Christ’s instruction as adults.

This does not mean that I address this disobedience in a cold and calculating manner. There is a need for compassion (Matt 9:36,Hebrews 4:14-16) as I understand this sinful fear, but there should be no room for redefining the event, which allows me to remain passive. The child’s fear is rebellion and it needs to be addressed.

Hopefully a practical example will provide some clarity. Four years ago my daughter, Ryene, was home with me while mom was in the hospital with our then new baby, Hudson. Ryene woke from her nap terrified from the noise of a couple hundred crows in the towering cottonwoods around our home. As I tried to console her and calm her fears, something dawned on me. I needed to address this fear. Something about the health of her femininity required an assurance of daddy’s protection. Now to this point in the story, Ryene had done nothing wrong – this fear in and of itself was not a problem. The problem arose when I decided that we were going to actively address this fear.

“Da crows, papa – dem crows scah-wee!” she sobbed.

“Ry-Ry it is ok. Daddy is here and you are safe,” I insisted. “Now we are going outside to see that those crows are nothing to be afraid of and that daddy will protect you.”

With that instruction, fear consumed her. “No papa, no!” she screamed. Now we had a problem. Her fear had led to a distrust of my instruction and to disobedience that must be addressed. Trust me, this little blond-haired, blue-eyed cherub has me wrapped around her finger and I was severely tempted to give up on this conviction. Initially, I saw the emotion and I saw the trouble we were heading into because of her disobedience and my excuses began to take form.

This was a defining moment.

A double-minded, non-thinking rationale would have allowed me to stay passive and still claim some success.

“I know she said ‘no’ but clearly she is scared and now is an opportunity to show grace. Surely I shouldn’t push her beyond her comfort that would be unfair. Yes, that’s it – this is a matter of justice to a little girl. She’s a good kid and I’m a good parent.”

Thankfully, God spurred me on to finish what I started and deal with her fear and subsequent rebellion. So I picked her up and we headed into the heart of her fear – the front yard under the cottonwoods. My mission was to deal with these crows and have Ryene see it. My arsenal consisted of two wooden pizza paddles.

The girl was terrified and begging to go in. I set her on the ground by my side and calmly told her we were staying. She had a death grip on my leg when I began to slap those two paddles together. The first “crack” drove the majority of the crows away. Ryene’s countenance began to change. The second and third strikes left all but about 5 crows. As Ryene watched intently, I realized there were no alternatives now – every crow must be scared away. These five crows may actually have been deaf. Slap after slap did nothing to unnerve them. The stakes were high and I was beginning to question how this was going to end. Finally, after a flurry of blows and one paddle shattering into splinters, every crow left. I will never forget the next 30 seconds. Ryene looked at me with peace and gratitude and proclaimed “Wow, papa! Ur bigga den dem crows!” As I picked her up, all her tension had left and she fell into my arms. Several sweet moments passed between father and daughter when I realized that we had an audience. Several neighbors watched the whole thing.

I am certain of two things. That day, my neighbors became convinced of my instability and, that day, my daughter’s soul was served. Ryene was not allowed to let fear reign in her heart and to disobey. She learned that she was safe to trust her dad. For months following, she would address any crow with a defiant “Go way cwows, my papa’s bigga den you!”

Granted, these are small steps in the process of building her into a devoted follower of Christ, but I would have missed them had I rationalized her disobedience. It was critical that I saw the situation for what it was – rebellion. Sure it was driven by fear, but it was rebellion all the same and I needed to address it.

People who kill innocent men, women and children with homemade bombs and who saw the heads off of hostages are not “insurgents” – they are not noble. Nothing will change unless we can say clearly that these are acts void of any nobility. They are evil. Yes that will require action and some will be offended, but double-minded talk and no-action only exacerbates the problem (c’est France). Similarly, reinterpreting my child’s defiance (whatever her motive) does her no good. She is a broken sinner in need of redemption and I must address that clearly regardless of the action it will require. If I check my brain at the door and ignore the obvious, her soul will suffer as my life temporarily experiences ease. Rest assured, though, the chickens will come home to roost and I will see my cute little insurgent as a rebel.

May God give us strength to clearly, consistently and graciously deal with our children when it matters.